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February 17, 2006

stuck circle programme

In my dream, purple office towers were throwing long sunset shadows over the plaza.

They were out to get me so I was on the run. I engaged the enemy where and when I could, like some kind of futuristic urban guerrilla.

I leaned against the building and pressed my forehead against the glass wall. In an instant I projected myself inside. I ran like a maniac, down through corridors, stairwells, elevator shafts. Within a fraction of a second I arrived inside the central control room.

I knew I only had time for one shot. I aimed my gun at the heart of the machine and nearly hit it. Then security clamped down and I had to unplug.

Back out on the street, I could tell right away I'd done some damage to the programme.

Citizens throughout the downtown continued to talk and laugh as usual. But they were all stuck walking around and around in little circles, as though they each had one foot nailed to the ground.

I remember thinking: It's not pretty, but it's war.

February 16, 2006

baptist cemetery

My grandmother passed away two years ago this month. Last night I dreamed I was visiting her gravesite.

The Baptist cemetery is just up the road from the house. The area is hemmed in by tall black trees. The trees seem to hum and sing in silence.

A trail of footprints follows me through the snow behind the abandoned church. I try to read the inscription on an ancient obelisk but the writing is worn away.

The dream is pretty close to how it was in real life.

Except this is some future time, some future Earth. The clouds are iron and soft grey ash falls from the sky instead of rain.

February 15, 2006

busted fingers cowboy

I dreamed I was passed out on the sidewalk on a city street. I had no shirt on and the concrete was hot against my chest.

I was looking down at myself as though my spirit were floating up above the ground. Then my spirit swooped down and entered my body and I woke up.

I was conscious and was looking at my left arm as it sprawled out into the street. At that moment a garbage truck came along and ran over my hand.

The garbage truck seemed to have four or five sets of wheels. Every one of them went straight over my hand, crushing it into the pavement.

I stood up. I stumbled across the sidewalk towards the cowboy hat store. I wasn't really in pain but I felt kind of dizzy.

I stopped in front of the cowboy hat store and looked at my reflection in the glass.

Then I was inside the store looking out at myself. I could see myself through the display of cowboy hats in the window.

I watched myself slowly raise my arm into the air.

My hand flopped down. Each of my fingers was a long thin skin-bag full of shattered bones.

February 14, 2006

ozzy osbourne's hot girlfriend

I was walking through the food court in Scotia Square in Halifax. It was lunchtime and the place was crowded.

I got the sense that someone was watching me. A woman, halfway across the courtyard.

I kept walking towards her and it was a little difficult to be casual about the fact that we were staring straight at each other. She was tall and slender, with green eyes, short blonde hair and a green dress.

I stopped beside her table and glanced down at her, looked away and then looked back at her again.

"Hi," she said.


She was smiling. "I'd like to sleep with you tonight."

Her statement took me by surprise. Pleasantly.

The thing is, she had me. I'd been blatantly checking her out and there was no chance of playing it cool or elusive in this situation.

So I clicked my tongue and smiled back and said: "Yes."

The scene changed and the two of us were at some dimly-lit, smoky bar. I was standing a little ways off while she engaged in a heated argument with another man.

Two things dawned on me at once. First of all, this man was her boyfriend. Or at least he thought of himself as such, and didn't seem too thrilled about changing his mind.

Second of all, he was Ozzy Osbourne. A young Ozzy, only about 23 or 24. She kept calling him "John."

Ozzy was being very insistent. He was getting in close to her, trying to grab her shoulders and turn her around to face him.

She kept saying, "No, John."

After a while of this, I walked up to her and hooked my fingers around her arm. I leaned over and said softly, "Hey. C'mere."

We walked away together and did not look back. And that is how I stole Ozzy Osbourne's hot girlfriend.

I understood why she'd been so forward in the food court. There's nothing like a lady on the rebound.

Then I dreamed that we went back to my place and I undressed her and pushed her down on my bed and did whatever I wanted with her.

I woke up this morning in quite a state.

February 13, 2006

neptune suicide mission

I dreamed I joined NASA and I was getting ready to blast off on a one-man suicide mission to the planet Neptune.

I had said all my good-byes to friends and family. At the launch pad there was a big press conference where everyone talked about my historic undertaking.

In preparation for liftoff, I was being strapped into the space capsule by a couple of anonymous technicians and it occurred to me that these were the last human beings I would ever lay eyes on.

The journey across the solar system would take a long time. Many years. I would have radio contact for the first while, but eventually that would fizzle out and die.

I would be killed when the spacecraft crash-landed on the surface of the planet Neptune. But I would see things that no other human being had ever seen.

February 12, 2006

hitler moustache baby

Once in a while I have nightmares. There are a few different types. Some of the scariest are the ones where the dream reality is completely normal with the exception of one small, unsettling detail.

I dreamed I was standing outside the doors of a large one-story brick building. It might have been a medical centre or a dentist's office or some such thing. It was raining out, but there was an overhang I could wait underneath to keep dry.

A concrete walkway ran alongside the building beneath the overhang. At the far end of the walkway, up towards the corner of the building, I noticed an unattended baby stroller.

I started walking towards the baby stroller.

I couldn't see the baby. But as I got closer I could hear it, shuffling around in its seat, making little baby noises.

I reached the stroller and stepped around in front of it.

It was a baby boy, in a little blue hat. The baby raised its head and looked up at me.

The baby had a Hitler moustache.

It was absolutely terrifying.

At that moment I realized I was torn between my strong aversion to committing violence upon an infant, and my duty to save the human race by splitting open this baby's skull with an axe.

February 11, 2006

satanic garden

I dreamed I went out through a window. I was outside in the Satanic Garden.

I could reach out and touch the white stucco walls of the mansion, the white trellises with green climbing vines.

You could wander around in the Satanic Garden. The trellises and hedges were arranged in a sort of labyrinth. But there was no chance of getting lost, because you could always keep the mansion in sight.

I walked down a long path that ran parallel to the mansion. At the end of the path was a section of fence that seemed to be glowing in an unusual way.

I knelt down and pulled away a small section of the fence to reveal a secret cubbyhole. There was something hidden inside.

I saw a small black box with a bunch of flashing coloured lights on it. I reached in and pulled it out.

It was a computer map of the whole area.

February 10, 2006

angelina cooking show

I don't know why Angelina Jolie has appeared in a couple of my dreams recently. I'm not one of those guys who finds her mind-bogglingly attractive. Of course, I wouldn't kick her out of my bed...

Anyway. I dreamed I was on the set of Angelina's new cooking show. I was hanging out at the back, lurking in the dark behind the studio audience.

Angelina was standing in this brightly-lit studio kitchen, wearing a little apron and showing how to make an omelette or something.

I was thinking that she seemed too serious about it, that the show might be more entertaining if she were to lighten up a bit, put some humour into it.

One of the crew came up and stood beside me. He was wearing thick glasses and some kind of headset. I had the bad feeling that he was going to try to talk to me.

He leaned over and said with a leer, "Could you imagine putting it to that every night?"

I said, "Dude. She's my sister."

February 09, 2006

mac and cheese interpol

I dreamed they were taking good care of me at the school cafeteria.

The woman in charge said, "We're not really supposed to open for another twenty minutes, but we really appreciate what you've been doing. She'll find something for you to eat."

So I went into the dining area and there was this Goth girl getting the food ready. All they were serving was a casserole that was made of alternating layers of Kraft Dinner and bacon.

There were several pans filled with this steaming orange concoction. The Goth girl dolloped a whole bunch of it onto a plate for me.

I was thinking: "I wonder why they think what I'm doing is all that important. There's really nothing to it."

Then I heard a whiny, nasal voice saying "I'm glad somebody can get some service around here."

I turned around and it was this guy who looked just like the guy with the hairdo from the band Interpol. He looked just like him and was even dressed just like him. Except he was only about four foot six.

February 08, 2006

submarine skin burn

I dreamed I was wanted for murder. It was self-defence, but I knew no one would believe me, so I was running.

I saw the cops pull up to the front of the building and I ran out the back. I was running as hard and as fast as I could. I could feel my pores start to prickle with sweat.

These prickles became more intense as I ran. Pretty soon they were starting to burn. With every step I struggled to breathe as my flesh became hotter and hotter.

All the skin started to peel off my face and my arms. My bones were orange and red.

Then I was lying on a hammock in a submarine. There was a table beside the hammock and I was playing cards with a couple of the guys.

There was a TV on in the background. The news was coming on. I was scared shitless because I knew they would be all over the story of the murder.

There was lots of background noise in the room. The guys didn't seem to be paying too much attention to the TV. I badly wanted to shut off the TV or change the channel, but I knew if I got up to do so I would only wind up drawing attention to it.

So I kept playing cards, and I tried to act as nonchalant as possible, and I prayed no one would notice me on TV.

February 07, 2006

moustache murder band

I dreamed that a friend of mine was trying to set me up with some work. Some friends of hers were in a band, and they were looking for a sound tech to take out on tour with them.

She brought me down to hear a soundcheck by the band. They were decent musicians. I was trying not to be biased. I had previously overheard some people talking about how much they sucked.

I stood at the back of the empty club as they kicked into a song.

The singer was wearing a lot of black eyeliner. He came across as a bit of a knob. The band as a whole seemed to take themselves pretty seriously. I could tell I was going to have some issues with these guys.

Part of the lyrics went like this: "Murder the man in the moustache... murder the man in the moustache."

My friend was clearly very excited at the thought of hooking me up with this band. I wasn't sure what to tell her.

February 06, 2006

fire escape cat hair

Sometimes my dreams are like a pornographic movie theater of the mind.

I dreamed I was hanging out with a certain lady... We'd been at a bar but we left to go outside. We were sitting beside a building underneath the fire escape.

We were touching each other, light touches. I ran my fingers through her hair. She stroked my thigh, squeezed it.

We were totally hot for each other. It seemed as though we were hidden enough from the street that probably not many people passing by would be able to see us. Without warning she whipped off her t-shirt. All she was wearing underneath was a thin little tank top.

I took her waist in my hands and pulled her close to me, lifted up her top and started licking and sucking her breasts. Then we were naked, she was lying on her back and I was licking her pussy. She was moaning and writhing all around. We were on a couch that had just somehow appeared underneath this fire escape.

Finally we just had to get out of there. We decided to head back to her place.

No sooner had we gotten all our clothes back on, than her friend popped out from around the corner. "Hi guys! Whatcha doin'?"

Her friend proceeded to sit down on the couch with us and start making all kinds of casual small talk.

Meanwhile, our legs were shaking because we wanted to fuck so bad.

~ Different dream. Different lady. We were fooling around in a park. We were hidden away behind a little brick building, and we decided that we were going to have sex, right there, outdoors in plain daylight.

I tore open a condom wrapper. The condom was already half-unrolled, which was strange. I got it onto the end of my cock and then I noticed it had cat hair all over it.

I had somehow gotten some of the cat hair all over my chest and arms as well. At first I tried to be nonchalant and brush it away. But it wasn't brushing away too easily.

Finally I stopped and looked at my lady.

She looked down at the hair-covered condom and said, "Yeah, like I'm really gonna stick that in me."

I said, "Hold on a minute. I'll go clean this up."

The bathroom was in another brick building across the park. I picked up my clothes, but I didn't put them on. Instead I carried them and ran across the park barefoot while doing the naked-man crouch.

I got to the bathroom and tried to open the door but it was locked. "Occupied," someone yelled from inside.

I held my clothes in a bundle in front of me and did the naked-man dance.

February 05, 2006

spit whirlpool

I dreamed it was my turn to go visit the spit whirlpool.

The spit whirlpool was as old as the universe and every living human had to visit it--one person at a time.

In the dream the visit was meant to be some kind of ritualistic thing. Connecting with the universe or some such thing.

I got to the edge of the spit whirlpool and it was this great gobby vortex.

I spat into the whirlpool and watched it whirling down and down and down.

February 04, 2006

elderly panic attack

I dreamed I was in Charlottetown, PEI, on the main street that runs down towards the park with the statue.

There was this old man in a wheelchair. In the dream he seemed to be well known to the locals. He was always cruising around downtown wearing a hard hat and a huge pair of headphones.

I came out on the sidewalk and he was looking all around my car. He parked his wheelchair right behind the car. He seemed to be peering down at my license plate and writing down a bunch of stuff in a little coil notebook on his lap.

I wasn't sure if he could hear me with the headphones on. I said loudly, "What are you doing?"

He jumped as if I'd scared the shit out of him. He didn't speak, but he started hyperventilating and freaking out. I got the sense that my words had triggered some kind of panic attack.

I had no idea what to do. I didn't want to say anything because I was afraid that if I spoke, I would only make things worse.

Finally he started gesturing and pointing down the street. I grabbed the handles of the wheelchair and started pushing him quickly in the direction he indicated. All the while he was shaking and gasping for breath.

I was thinking, "What am I gonna do for this guy? Where the hell is he taking us...?"

I wish I could remember how this dream ended. All I can remember after that is a part where a bunch of people were riding snowboards.

February 03, 2006

x-ray popcorn

I dreamed I was hungry but too lazy to cook. So I swallowed a bunch of microwave popcorn and went for a chest x-ray.

The technician pointed the x-ray machine straight at me and powered it up. It made a hum that grew progressively louder.

A muted popping sound began in my belly. It sounded like a whole bunch of kung-fu movies playing at once.

Suddenly my stomach exploded. Popcorn flew everywhere. All the equipment burst into flames as the technician fled the room. I wanted to run, but I was wearing a lead apron.

Then the technician returned to the room carrying a fire extinguisher and a giant salt shaker.

February 01, 2006

beam penises

I dreamed I had three penises and all of them were small. They were these nubby little things.

I stood in front of the television with my pants down, and my three penises started to revolve around each other, slowly at first, then faster. A blue glow started to flicker between them.

A Ghostbusters-style beam of pure energy blasted out of the end of my penises and zapped the TV screen. The beam caused the beautiful TV star on the screen to instantly age 50 years.

This happened right in the middle of her interview with E-Talk Daily.