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January 31, 2006

prison bread

The prison has just opened and none of the inmates have arrived yet.

In the dream I'm part of a small group that is touring the facility. The warden shows us a room with a hot tub and a spa. Then he says "You might like this" and leads me into a room with a fully-equipped recording studio.

The scene changes and I'm standing in front of a countertop making a sandwich. What I remember most is the vivid red of the plastic wrapper on the loaf of bread.

The wrapper is open and pieces of bread are spilling out onto the counter. I'm holding five or six pieces of bread in my left hand. I'm spreading Dijon mustard on each of the slices, one by one.

All around the room are shelves full of loaves of bread in their bright red plastic bags.

January 30, 2006

clone factory

I'm working on an assembly line with a bunch of guys who all look the same.

They're all clones from the carpet factory. They were sent over because the original humans kept quitting the assembly line. In fact, I'm the only real human left in the whole plant. Everyone else is one of these carpet factory guys that roam around like zombies.

It occurs to me that they're only keeping me around because they're planning to eat my brain and turn my body into a rug. I'm trying to think of ways to get out of there.

Apparently there is some legal technicality that will allow me to kill all the clones. Something like, they can legally be suffocated, but not poisoned. Or is it the other way around? I'm trying my hardest but I can't remember.

Then the dream changes and I'm having a whole bunch of sex with a married woman in the back seat of someone's car.

January 29, 2006

nuclear missile party

They're counting down to launch the nuclear missiles, and I'm scared because the whole thing is a big misunderstanding.

I've been trying to get into the Premier's office to explain everything (the dream takes place in Russia and everyone's speaking Russian, including me). I'm running down a long fancy hallway, opening doors at random, trying to find the office of the official officer in charge of nuclear destruction.

When I reach the end of the hallway, I notice a smell that reminds me of frying steak. I pull open the door to the emergency stairs. There's a whole crew of people standing on the landing having a big barbecue.

"Surprise!" they yell in Russian.

Then someone calls out "1-2-3-4" and the band kicks in. The band is The Pogues and they're performing "If I Should Fall From Grace With God." There's lots of food and pretty girls and lots of people dancing.

I try to tell a couple of people about the missiles, but no one seems too worried about it.

January 28, 2006

moncton fruit storm

I dreamed I was in Moncton, New Brunswick in the middle of a record-breaking snowstorm.

I'm hiding out in a bus shelter. Even though it's a flimsy structure and the storm is raging all around me, I don't feel cold or even the slightest bit uncomfortable.

There's a baby stroller in the shelter with me and it's full of cans of fruit cocktail. I open the cans one by one and eat a bunch of fruit and then pour the rest out on the ground.

After I'm done, I throw the can out the door of the shelter, where the wind grabs it and whips it away into the storm.

January 27, 2006

ufo snack

In my dream I'm watching TV. The picture is bad and I don't like what I'm seeing but I can't change the channel.

Suddenly the picture comes in crystal-clear. It's a wireframe 3-D diagram of a saucer-shaped UFO.

The image revolves around and around and I can hear a voice, it's not coming from the TV speakers but it's right inside my head, and it's saying "You must not reveal the secret to anyone."

I pick up the remote control and shut off the TV. Then I'm down at the corner store buying a bag of salt-and-vinegar chips and a can of root beer.

I'm arguing with the clerk because he won't sell me one individual cigarette, which is odd because I don't smoke.

January 26, 2006

fire at the onion farm

I'm down at the onion farm. Emily is there, telling me all about growing onions. There's a red-and-white striped silo and an old-fashioned tractor.

Smoke comes out of Emily's mouth when she talks even though she's not a smoker.

Suddenly I realize that the silo is on fire. Flames are shooting out the top of it. I go to tell Emily but when I look at her, she grins an evil grin. Through the black smoke I can see flames in her mouth. She gives a low chuckle.

It all sounds sinister, but in the dream it was actually kind of funny.

January 25, 2006

castle fueling

I dreamed I was floating through space.

There was a giant castle that was orbiting the sun, almost like a planet unto itself. I needed fuel so I docked at the side of the castle.

There was a hole in one of the side walls, and the way I fueled up was to stick my dick in the hole. It was very refreshing.

A bunch of swirly black-and-white hypnotism patterns started playing in front of my eyes. Then I woke up, or at least I don't remember what else happened.

January 24, 2006

mercedes butterfly

I dream I'm drinking tea with a woman. We're sitting in a log cabin that's also a fancy apartment in the city.

She's telling me about how she hates her name, which is Edith. I'm trying to tell her that Edith is an ancient name, a beautiful name, and no one in the 21st century should be able to give her any crap about her name. I'm being very passionate about this, mostly because I want to bang her so bad.

Then she stands up and opens up her robe and shows me her body and it is stunning, utterly spectacular. A huge cloud of butterflies comes flying out of her robe and engulfs my body. All the butterflies turn into bits of coloured tinfoil and chocolate kisses that rain down all around me.

Then I'm down on my hands and knees in a tastefully-lit car showroom. It's nighttime and I'm the only person in the whole place.

I can't leave the showroom because I'm locked in, so I climb into the back seat of a Mercedes and curl up into a little ball.

January 23, 2006

newspaper trike

I'm standing beside the fountain in Centennial Park. They sky is overcast and it feels like it's about to rain.

In the dream I've been waiting a long time, but I'm not sure for what or whom.

Newspapers are blowing around the park in the wind. Sometimes the newspapers will form into the shapes of animals, little cats and dogs that will run around the park and play for a few moments before dissolving back into newspapers.

Some of the newspapers form into the shape of a tricycle. The tricycle just sits there at the corner of a the concrete walkway.

Then I'm lying on my back at the foot of a long sloping driveway. The tricycle starts rolling down the driveway towards me. No one is riding it.

The tricycle speeds up as it comes closer and closer. It's definitely going to run me over. At the last second I close my eyes. When I wake up my eyes are still closed.

January 22, 2006

helicopter blender mouse

I got to dream that I was a helicopter pilot. It was cool!

I had a weird flash where I knew I was dreaming and I could do whatever I wanted. So I flew to Paris and buzzed around the Eiffel Tower looking at fashion models through a telescope.

Some dude in a hot air balloon was yelling at me in French. I just sort of ignored him. Then the whole "this is a cool dream and I'm in complete control" part went out the window, when he stood up and he was aiming a rocket-propelled grenade launcher at me.

The whirling blades of the helicopter transformed into a buzzing blender. I was sitting at the counter of a small-town diner where I had just ordered a chocolate milkshake.

The waitress put the metal milkshake container down in front of me. I looked inside and it was full of little crawling baby mice.

January 21, 2006

polish bookstore balloons

I dreamed I was having sex with these two hot Polish girls. They were smiling the whole time, like BIG smiles, with teeth. It was a bit unnerving.

Then the dream changed and I was lying on the top shelf of a bookshelf, all scrunched up into this shelf, ten feet above the floor.

It was in the back of some ancient used bookstore. An elderly lady was browsing through the store while carrying a bunch of helium balloons. She was down on the floor right below me and the balloons were tickling my nose.

I didn't want her to know I was there because I was afraid she would start asking me a bunch of questions.

January 20, 2006

shriner hockey

I'm driving one of those little Shriner mini-cars, cruising through tree-lined suburban streets.

Then I drive through a gate and I come out the other side and I'm out on the ice in the middle of a hockey game. It's a playoff game and everyone in the crowd is laughing at me and my Shriner car in the middle of the action.

I'm trying to steer towards the penalty box to get off the ice, but the wheels of the car have no traction and I wind up spinning all over the place. I bang into Todd Bertuzzi and knock him flat on his ass.

He gets up and snarls and raises his hockey stick to club me with it.

I notice that the blade of his stick has a tooth growing out of it.

January 19, 2006

it takes a nation of millions to hold my cack

This is like the sequel to my AC/DC dream. I dreamed I was at a Public Enemy concert in Montreal. Except Flavor Flav couldn't make it so I had been asked to replace Flavor.

I was all stressed out because we were supposed to go onstage in two minutes and I couldn't find my microphone anywhere.

Finally I heard an announcement. "Get ready for PUBLIC ENEMY" and the crowd went wild and the next thing I knew I was onstage in front of thousands of people performing with Public Enemy.

I was jumping around and trying to be wicked hype and fresh even though I didn't have a mic. It was a rush!

At all the right moments I would try to lean into Chuck D's mic and say "Yo Chuck" or "Yeeeeahh boyeeee" but Chuck didn't look like he was enjoying that too much so I stopped.

January 18, 2006


~ First I dreamed about Angelina Jolie. Not Angelina. Her hair. Her hair extensions. There were these two long golden-blonde braids sitting on a table. They were supposed to wind up attached to Angelina Jolie's head. Then the space heater in my bedroom kicked in, and I woke up.

~ I fell asleep again and dreamed about an apnea machine. It was this cap you wore on your head when you went to bed. It measured electrical impulses. As soon as your brain wave pattern showed that you had fallen asleep, a stick would come out and poke you in the ribs and wake you up again.

~ The third dream I had was about AC/DC. This was a parallel-universe AC/DC in which there was no Angus Young, it was just Brian Johnson singing and three hot chicks playing instruments.

I was chatting with one of the ladies and she said "We might have to cancel the concert tonight, we are desperate for a guitarist. Oh, you play? Wouldn't happen to know any of our songs, would you."

And I said "Would I," and I opened my closet to reveal a row of books on "How to Play AC/DC Songs on the Guitar."

So the next thing I knew I was onstage playing guitar for AC/DC. We opened with "Highway To Hell." The crowd was freaking out, holy shit I'm onstage with Brian Johnson and a bunch of hot chicks, SO many people here. I was losing my mind, I was all over the stage, rolling around, playing AC/DC songs on my Gibson SG. Holy shit I'm in AC/DC.

Four or five songs into our set and I was jubilant. I still couldn't get over the sheer size of the crowd. It felt amazing to have so many people giving their energy back to you. We kicked into "Let There Be Rock." I knew all the songs. All that time spent playing along with the records had paid off.

There was an instrumental part where the singer moved to the back of the stage and the band worked it out for a while. I started bringing down my playing, getting quieter and quieter. The rest of the band followed my lead. Eventually I stopped altogether.

There was no sound on the stage, just the murmuring of a restless crowd.

Then I started clapping in time to the beat of the song. The audience started clapping with me. Tens of thousands of people, all clapping along. Amazing. I didn't even know what I was going to do next but I was loving the moment.

One by one I caught everyone's eye onstage, and at an invisible count of four we all slammed into the main riff of "Let There Be Rock." By the time the song finished I was euphoric.

But then something weird happened. The song ended and I was looking around to see what to play next. Right away I heard the opening chords from "Strutter" by Kiss come over the sound system. Was the band starting a cover? No... the music was coming through the PA. The house lights were coming up. We were being hustled off the stage.

The concert is over? What's going on?

Apparently Brian Johnson had stormed off the stage in disgust. My crowd interaction had rubbed him the wrong way somehow. He wasn't even around backstage. Apparently he was furious. One of the women in the band had to explain to me.

She told me, "Brian was pretty pissed off at you. He said 'What the hell does he think this is, some kind of jam band?'"

January 17, 2006

brazilian animator party

I had trouble sleeping last night. I was way too horny. Finally I dozed off and dreamed I was in Brazil making out on a couch with a beautiful Brazilian woman.

She asked me if Canadian women enjoyed sex. I didn't know what to make of the question so I said, "They sure do." She looked surprised, which I couldn't really figure out.

Then we were naked and I was licking her pussy. I remember noticing that the room we were in had a pink ceiling.

Then I was fucking her from behind and squeezing her big tits and pulling her hair, only we had to be super-quiet because a bunch of digital animators were having some sort of wrap party in the next room.

January 16, 2006

chess chase

I keep having these dreams where I'm being chased by cops.

These two cops are chasing me through backyards in an unfamiliar city. It's like a scene from a movie where we're climbing over fences and cutting through people's yards and jumping through sprinklers and stuff.

I go to splash through a Mr. Turtle pool and it turns out to have a false bottom with a ladder leading down into darkness. As I hurry to climb down the ladder I can still hear the cops above me: "Where did he go? Where'd that fucker go."

It's hard to say how deep the ladder goes. At the bottom it opens out into a small fallout shelter that glows with electric light.

An old man with a long grey beard sits alone at a table looking down at a chess game that seems to be in progress.

He stares down at the chessboard for a long time. Finally he looks up at me and says, "Well... looks like we're up shit crick now."

January 15, 2006

worm on a hook

I threw my coat on the bed in the hope that it would hide what was underneath the bed.

They're threatening me. They say if I don't confess they'll kill me and make it look like a suicide.

I am not I repeat NOT suicidal.

January 14, 2006

pasta brain

I must have been hungry because I dreamed about spaghetti again. Great big pot of spaghetti, boiling on the stove.

Slowly I stirred the spaghetti in the pot. Slowly it boiled. Gradually the spaghetti absorbed all the water and congealed into a quivering, pulsing pasta-brain.

The pasta-brain was like some kind of brain-wave magnet. I could feel it pulling at my consciousness. Before long it was thinking all my thoughts for me.

The pasta-brain was thinking: "Add some cayenne pepper. Do not eat me. Place me on the middle of the highway at midnight tonight."

January 13, 2006

mobster trapeze

I dreamed I was swinging by my legs from a trapeze. I was all alone in a huge circus tent. Back and forth, back and forth. Swinging.

Suddenly a huge spotlight came on and it was shining right in my eyes. I tried to shield my eyes with my hand as I swung upside-down. I shouted "Who the fuck is that? I'm just dicking around."

No one answered.

A bunch of Italian mobsters drove right into the circus tent and got out of their fancy cars. They proceeded to have a big mafia meeting right in the middle of the three rings.

I hung upside-down above them and listened in. They didn't realize I was up there. I heard every word.

January 12, 2006

kate moss

Last night I dreamed I met Kate Moss. She was dressed all in beige and looked like a ten-year-old computer. I can't remember if we had sex in my dream. I'm thinking probably.

January 11, 2006

bookstore jazz band

I dreamed I was back working at the bookstore in the mall. I opened the cash register and a very small three-piece jazz combo was performing inside the till.

I leaned over for a better look. For a second, I saw myself from the band's perspective--this great big huge eyeball swooping down to peer at them. Then it went back to my point of view again.

I was looking at this little jazz band and thinking I had to sneeze really bad. Then I woke up.

January 10, 2006

quentin saloon brawl

Quentin Tarantino, the movie director, was in my dream last night.

A bunch of us were out at the bar just sitting around having a few drinks. Quentin was sitting at the table, talking on and on as if someone were interviewing him, only no one was asking any questions, people were just sitting there trying to get drunk.

The door burst open and a seven-foot-tall Russian guy stomped in and said "Who is strongest man in this bar?"

Quentin stood up and said "Well Junior, I guess that would be me" and it looked as though they were going to fight.

Then Frank Sinatra came on the jukebox and my chair started dancing underneath me. The chair carried me right out onto the middle of the dancefloor while it bopped around and the legs of my chair tried to do the Lindy hop.

January 09, 2006

book tongue

I dreamed I was walking through the library and pulling books off the shelf at random and putting them back in the wrong place.

I took down a book on home repair and opened it up and there was a tongue sticking out of the page. It tried to talk but since it was just a tongue without any teeth or lips all it could say was "Agggh luggghh raaalll" as it flopped around all wet and slick against the book paper.

Then the tongue started growing and flopped off the edge of the book and down to the floor. The tongue wrapped itself around my leg.

At first I tried to struggle but then I just kept walking around the library with this tongue wrapped around my leg.

January 08, 2006

space shuttle

I had a flying dream last night.

I was in line at the fabric store and the woman in front of me was arguing with the cashier. "This isn't what I ordered. I specifically told you I wanted it in chartreuse."

So I started floating off the ground and I looked up and floated straight through the roof of the store and up into the air, and I started going higher and higher until I had passed the clouds and went straight into the upper atmosphere where I caught up with the space shuttle and had a seat on the wing.

One of the astronauts looked out the window of the shuttle cabin and I waved at him and he did a double take.

There was a laser cannon mounted on the shuttle and he swivelled it around and tried to fire at me but I was already gone.

January 07, 2006

statue mold

I dreamed they were making monument for me in the town square. They had to stand me up on a pillar and make a mold around me.

While I was inside the mold, I was thinking, "Do these people know who I am? If they knew what I had done, would they still think I deserve a monument?"

I was inside the mold a long time. For a while I could hear people talking outside, but after a while the voices stopped.

I could hear birds chirping. Occasionally a police siren would pass the park.

Even though I couldn't see, I got the sense that night was falling. I started to get a boner, which was uncomfortable.

It was really hot inside the mold.

January 06, 2006

bear tornado

It was a perfectly typical tornado. But it was mine and I liked it. I carried it around with me in a Mason jar. Sometimes I would hold it up so everyone could watch the miniature swirling weather patterns.

It was a summer afternoon and I was walking through the woods. A big black bear stood up and growled at me. He must have been eight feet tall.

I took the tornado jar and threw it into the bear's mouth. The bear bit down on the jar and broke it and cut his mouth on the glass and started bleeding all over the place.

"I'll have your leg for a sausage," growled the bear but then the tornado flew into the bear's stomach and carried it away into the sky.

I started floating up towards the treetops but the bright sunlight distracted me and I woke up.

January 05, 2006


Last night I dreamed I was hammering nails into the roof of a doghouse. I missed one of the nails and hit my thumb instead. My thumb was squashed flat.

I was cursing and swearing. The dog came out of the doghouse and looked up at me and said "Quit messing around."

Then I was in my parents' living room on Park Hill Drive. I was watching a parade through the picture window. Queen Elizabeth drove by and waved.

I waved back with ten spoon-shaped fingers.

January 04, 2006

robot fencing

In my dream I was on the Jemseg bridge and I had to pee really bad.

I whipped out my bird and started peeing off the side of the bridge. A transport truck went by and the force of its passage blew me up against the railing. I got my noodle stuck in between two of the railings.

Then I was in a laboratory and I was testing out a robot fencing machine in a fencing match. Only instead of a fencing foil, I was using my dick.

There was a woman in a white coat watching from the next room and taking notes. I wanted to go talk to her, but I couldn't leave off the experiment. Plus I had my dick in my hand.

Then I woke up and I didn't have to pee at all so I don't know why I dreamed about peeing.

January 03, 2006

banana boomerang

Last night I dreamed that a banana in my cupboard had rotted so much that it turned black, then purple, then red. The skin of the banana had become hard to the touch.

I took the banana outside and tried to fling it into the field. As I watched, it boomeranged around and flew straight back at me. The banana clocked me in the head and knocked me down on the ground.

Then my brother appeared with a clipboard in his hand. He looked down at me and smiled and ticked a few things off on the clipboard.

January 02, 2006

snowman costume

I'm dressed up as a snowman. I have these white furry pants on with a fluffy little white tail. I have a real carrot for a nose. The costume is filthy.

I'm walking through a shopping mall in East Saint John. There's a woman sitting at the kiosk with an older lady.

I take off my carrot nose and hand it to the younger woman. She looks at her grandmother, who nods. Then she takes a bite out of the carrot.

January 01, 2006

sabre tooth

I dreamed I was lying in bed with a beautiful woman. But I had to get up early and leave because it was sabre-tooth tiger hunting season in Gaspereau Forks.

I walked through the woods, carrying my crossbow. I was looking for tracks, broken twigs, a sign.

The sabre-tooth tiger was very elusive but I knew I would find it.